Demand or Command, RESPECT???
Today I was re-reading some of my earlier Blogs and realized that I have not had an opportunity to write in a while. I have plenty of notes to myself on what I want to write about and many topics of conversations that I have on the brain but this one topic that I am thinking is weighing on me. It is one of those topics that I feel very strongly about in my own world. A conversation that is not always easy to have with someone, because as soon as one stars to talk, most people get very defensive.
I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about raising a Child to RESPECT AUTHORITY. We started to talk about this and I realized at that point, that I had a lot to say and little time to say it. At that time I didn't really think about everything that is in my heart now. A lot of thoughts came to the surface when I had an opportunity to reflect on our conversation.
Here's MY Nitty Gritty Truth on DEMANDING vs COMMANDING RESPECT!!!
People that know me, know that I am very straight forward with my little loves. I love those little people with every fiber of my being, but I am NOT one to let my little ones run the show. I will fight tooth and nail to show them that every time there is a "RESPECT" issue, MOMMA will ALWAYS WIN! I want to raise children that RESPECT AUTHORITY. Some days I feel like, "What am I DOING???"... "Is this even working???" and then I will have a nice note from Violet's teacher that says, "Violet is the sweetest, most respectful little girl and she is a pleasure to have in class..." At that point, I then think to myself, "Don't let up now, it's working!" If I can raise children that will question my authority at home, a home where they know that Momma and Daddy will still love them, but they are respectful in out of home surroundings, I am OK with that.
I smile a lot with my Little's, I play around a lot, I choose to have a fun & loving relationship with them until they do something that is disrespectful to me. Then the reminder of what I expect is said and if it continues, they are disciplined. My children know what is expected out of them when they are talking to an adult. They know what Mommy expects, because we TALK about it ALL THE TIME! If I ask them to do something and they say, "OK, Mommy..." I will kindly correct them with, "Yes, Ma'am..." They will then say the response that I expect. They know. This is just one of the MANY corrections I use on a daily basis. I use a lot of "I LOVE YOU's..." to follow with those corrections too... as do they.
So, this whole reminder to say Yes Ma'am,Yes Sir, Yes Mr. Weiser, No Mrs. Weiser, Yes Ms. Anne or No Mister Bill (obviously this is from children in general, not just OUR childrens' responses...) it started to make me think. If a child has a situation where they have a step parent, why do most CHILDREN, automatically gets on a FIRST NAME BASIS with the adult. With all the respect issues that MOST Step Parents have to deal with in the first place, doesn't this automatically give the child a false sense and immediately show the child that they don't have to have as much respect for this NEW PARENTAL FIGURE as they do for the other "Adult" figures in their life???
I just think, if Violet walked in her classroom and said, "Hi, Andi... " Her teacher would correct her DEMANDING the respect. I just think that step parents should have a title, something that is different from their first name that their friends call them. The only "STEP" Parent situation that I had in my life was when my Dad met my Mom. I NEVER called him RON, maybe that's because I too (just like Mom) fell right in love with him and started calling him Daddy! I was 5. I knew he would be my Dad, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!
NOT ALL situations are like mine. I GET THAT. But, I have had MANY conversations with friends and family of mine about children not respecting them, as much as they should.... and that's one of my observations. ALL of them are on a FIRST name basis with the Adult... Just a wonder in my mind, what if that were changed? Would the child then have a NEW look or feeling about that person???
I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about raising a Child to RESPECT AUTHORITY. We started to talk about this and I realized at that point, that I had a lot to say and little time to say it. At that time I didn't really think about everything that is in my heart now. A lot of thoughts came to the surface when I had an opportunity to reflect on our conversation.
Preston 4 - hanging with Mama at the Beach
People that know me, know that I am very straight forward with my little loves. I love those little people with every fiber of my being, but I am NOT one to let my little ones run the show. I will fight tooth and nail to show them that every time there is a "RESPECT" issue, MOMMA will ALWAYS WIN! I want to raise children that RESPECT AUTHORITY. Some days I feel like, "What am I DOING???"... "Is this even working???" and then I will have a nice note from Violet's teacher that says, "Violet is the sweetest, most respectful little girl and she is a pleasure to have in class..." At that point, I then think to myself, "Don't let up now, it's working!" If I can raise children that will question my authority at home, a home where they know that Momma and Daddy will still love them, but they are respectful in out of home surroundings, I am OK with that.
I smile a lot with my Little's, I play around a lot, I choose to have a fun & loving relationship with them until they do something that is disrespectful to me. Then the reminder of what I expect is said and if it continues, they are disciplined. My children know what is expected out of them when they are talking to an adult. They know what Mommy expects, because we TALK about it ALL THE TIME! If I ask them to do something and they say, "OK, Mommy..." I will kindly correct them with, "Yes, Ma'am..." They will then say the response that I expect. They know. This is just one of the MANY corrections I use on a daily basis. I use a lot of "I LOVE YOU's..." to follow with those corrections too... as do they.
So, this whole reminder to say Yes Ma'am,Yes Sir, Yes Mr. Weiser, No Mrs. Weiser, Yes Ms. Anne or No Mister Bill (obviously this is from children in general, not just OUR childrens' responses...) it started to make me think. If a child has a situation where they have a step parent, why do most CHILDREN, automatically gets on a FIRST NAME BASIS with the adult. With all the respect issues that MOST Step Parents have to deal with in the first place, doesn't this automatically give the child a false sense and immediately show the child that they don't have to have as much respect for this NEW PARENTAL FIGURE as they do for the other "Adult" figures in their life???
Daddy, Preston 2 & Violet 3
NOT ALL situations are like mine. I GET THAT. But, I have had MANY conversations with friends and family of mine about children not respecting them, as much as they should.... and that's one of my observations. ALL of them are on a FIRST name basis with the Adult... Just a wonder in my mind, what if that were changed? Would the child then have a NEW look or feeling about that person???
Don't get me wrong, I am not pushing a child to call them Mom or Dad... but I think that they should have a name, maybe the child and the new parent can come up with something together... or just the child chooses a respectful name but something this way this Adult/ NEW PARENTAL FIGURE now has a name that DEMANDS respect.
This now brings me to the difference of DEMANDING and COMMANDING respect from children.
In my opinion when one DEMANDS RESPECT, we do it on a DAILY basis. It is consistent. I show just as much LOVE (if not WAY MORE) to my children as I do "reminding" them on what I expect out of them. MY kids and I talk about it ALL THE TIME! If they say something to one another that I find to be disrespectful, I will bring it to their attention. I will ask them questions on how they would feel if someone talked to them in that manner, or if someone said something like towards them... etc... Or if Preston decides to take a shot a Violet, I talk to them about WHY its disrespectful to lay their hands on one another etc...
To me when a Parent Demands Respect and is teaching their child to respect authority or just respecting others in general, it is an ON GOING conversation. It NEVER stops and IT IS DAILY. EVERYDAY. OVER AND OVER, Oh, AND OVER AGAIN! MY KIDS TEST ME!! ALL THE TIME!!!
This now brings me to the difference of DEMANDING and COMMANDING respect from children.
In my opinion when one DEMANDS RESPECT, we do it on a DAILY basis. It is consistent. I show just as much LOVE (if not WAY MORE) to my children as I do "reminding" them on what I expect out of them. MY kids and I talk about it ALL THE TIME! If they say something to one another that I find to be disrespectful, I will bring it to their attention. I will ask them questions on how they would feel if someone talked to them in that manner, or if someone said something like towards them... etc... Or if Preston decides to take a shot a Violet, I talk to them about WHY its disrespectful to lay their hands on one another etc...
To me when a Parent Demands Respect and is teaching their child to respect authority or just respecting others in general, it is an ON GOING conversation. It NEVER stops and IT IS DAILY. EVERYDAY. OVER AND OVER, Oh, AND OVER AGAIN! MY KIDS TEST ME!! ALL THE TIME!!!
SO, As a parent I set my expectations and I expect what I expect. My children know what I expect out of them. They know when they make a bad choice, that we acknowledge it, talk about it, talk about what could have been done differently, apologize, forgive, hug, love and we move forward....
COMMANDING RESPECT, Totally different in my opinion. When I think of Command, I think Commander. "You do what I say, because I said so..." No questions asked. You do it because I am the adult and you are the child. Dictator. NO GOOD IN MY WORLD! I am not saying that every child needs an explanation.... I am just saying that most people will build NO TYPE of SOLID relationship if they cannot DEMAND respect opposed to COMMANDING it.
My Kids ask WHY, WHY, WHY all the time! My Answer 90% of the time is.... "Obey, what I just asked of you..." and then I will answer your question. It took ALONG TIME for me to stop answering their question and then having them do what I just asked of them.... I will ALWAYS answer their feelings of curiosity, but NEVER before they are in motion of Obeying my request! Otherwise, I just shot myself in the foot. It will then happen all the time and that will be ANOTHER BATTLE, that I just don't want need, in my life!
I guess, you just have to figure out when your child is Questioning your request, because they are really interested in the answer to the question WHY OR IS THAT WHY, because they are really QUESTIONING YOUR AUTHORITY as a PARENT.
COMMANDING RESPECT, Totally different in my opinion. When I think of Command, I think Commander. "You do what I say, because I said so..." No questions asked. You do it because I am the adult and you are the child. Dictator. NO GOOD IN MY WORLD! I am not saying that every child needs an explanation.... I am just saying that most people will build NO TYPE of SOLID relationship if they cannot DEMAND respect opposed to COMMANDING it.
My Kids ask WHY, WHY, WHY all the time! My Answer 90% of the time is.... "Obey, what I just asked of you..." and then I will answer your question. It took ALONG TIME for me to stop answering their question and then having them do what I just asked of them.... I will ALWAYS answer their feelings of curiosity, but NEVER before they are in motion of Obeying my request! Otherwise, I just shot myself in the foot. It will then happen all the time and that will be ANOTHER BATTLE, that I just don't
I guess, you just have to figure out when your child is Questioning your request, because they are really interested in the answer to the question WHY OR IS THAT WHY, because they are really QUESTIONING YOUR AUTHORITY as a PARENT.
Usually people who demand respect from others, give it in return...
Commanders, well.... Not so much, in MY life experiences!
Commanders, well.... Not so much, in MY life experiences!
That's MY Nitty Gritty Truth,
Anne
Anne
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