IN THIS MINUTE....

I am just feeling like right now I am in need of a little serenity.... That's why I added the beautiful photo above of Sarasota/ Siesta Key Sunset. Always makes me feel calmer.

Preston, Juliana, Violet & Parker
 
I have had all 4 kids home with me this week and I am starting to question some of my life choices. I feel like this week I have had a real opportunity to reflect on what IS working, HAS worked and what can I CHANGE to get working? I feel like right now I have a good system with the kiddos. We have started some new techniques. Working on focusing on positive ways to act and trying to reward behavior opposed to always be disciplining and we have implemented "THE WEISER WAY." (More to come on this...)

VilyCakes & Papa Bear - March 2012

I had a friend ask me about Violet and how I handle her during a situation of her not obeying and I told her, well I put her in Time Out. But that wasn't the full truth. That was something that I said I guess out of habit. The Nitty Gritty Truth about what I have had to go through is this...

Violet is a very strong willed little lady and we have gone round for round. I have had to try many different avenues to try to get through to her. I have done time out, I have spanked a tush, I have laid on top of her and restrained her from hitting me or hurting me, I have yelled, I have cried, I have tried to reason with her, I have bear hugged her, I have taken toys, I have put her to bed for the night right after dinner, I have listened to hurtful words and had to ignore them, I have had to put her in her room and like the Nanny and continue to walk/carry her back until she choices to obey and stay there! I have done it all and more. I have been mentally and emotionally exhausted some days due to this whole discipline stuff! So Yes, as a mother of 4 children, I have had to learn what works for my children and 'Time Out' didn't INITIALLY work for My Violet.

She is 5 years old. She is Strong Willed. She is very smart. She is beautiful. She is my first born that I would NEVER change for the world. She may have given me a run for my money, but she is a great LEADER and now, I know that she is my biggest supporter... I will hear her say to Preston, "Preston, don't be disrespectful to Mommy like that, you shouldn't say those hurtful words."  Whats really great is that her and I talk now about everything that is on her little mind.

The difference now is I don't mess around. I am CONSISTENT!!! There is only ONE consequence for being disrespectful in our home and its time out. So if I hear something that I don't like, I tell her to go to time out and we start at 5 minutes for being disrespectful (talking back, not obeying on first command, using her hands on her brother, not listening,etc...) If she decides that she is going to talk back or tell me NO that she is not going, I add minutes every second she takes to get there. She runs like the wind when I say 6. I then ask her to please turn her voice off and her timer will start when her voice is off.

*Mommy note, if she has 10 minutes I still normally set the timer for 5 or 6, this way she doesn't lose focus on WHY she got sent there in the first place. (obviously this is NOT something you would share with your child)

After her timeout I then talk to her about, THIS MINUTE and inform her that she has the ability to decide, "what is the outcome going to be?" I give her the chance to realize that she is in charge of her actions and at 5 she is bright enough to know the consequence of her behavior.... Good or Bad....



I have found with Violet that before she starts to freak out, she does really well when I talk to her about the WHY she's acting this way and what she can do IN THIS MINUTE to change her actions/behavior. If I am unable to get through to her, she could have an all out temper tantrum. Which can be pretty embarrassing. So I am really happy that I have found this new way of getting her to realize that IN THIS MINUTE, She is in charge of herself, her actions and the outcome of this situation.

Basically what I do:  I give her a minute to think about what she really wants. Do you really want to chose this minute to disobey and throw yourself OR would you like to take this minute and decide if you want a GOOD day/night (whatever it may be). She seems to be really receptive to this. Since Violet was 2 she has always needed an explanation for WHY everything is happening. When she was 2 if you just told her to do something without an explanation of WHY it was happening, she would freak out. No matter what the request. Therefore I got used to talking to her and explaining things to her so that she could understand Why things were happening around her.

So why at 4 and 5 did I change that? I feel like in the past couple years I have forgot this about her. Now that I am giving her an opportunity to really think about whats happening, and the outcome is based on her actions, she really has started to grasp it again. Don't get me wrong, she still has her moments of acting out. But nothing like before.

Funny Faces by Violet <3
 
Anyone who knows me knows that when I say give her the minute, Its after she has obeyed my request and she is sitting in her time out thinking about her actions. I am a very loving mother, but not a push over and not someone who will allow my children to run the show. After my twins were born, I had a few months were I was "off my game", but after I saw how quickly everything spun out of control, I quickly pulled back the reigns. Having an open communication relationship with your child/children is not a sign of weakness. Actually in my opinion is the exact opposite. They feel secure, like they don't have to act out and get that negative attention, because you are focused on something else and not them. They need to know that they have your attention and LOVE no matter what.

Bottom line is, with reminder, I remember to shut my mouth and open my ears and now I am able to listen to her and hear her requests so that I can be a good mother. She knows that I am always here... #1 on The Weiser Way - Mommy and Daddy will ALWAYS LOVE YOU! The Weiser Way is Our Commandments. The way we (as a family) want to conduct ourselves.

I am sharing my story because I know a lot of mothers that at the end of the day, we ask ourselves, what are doing wrong??? Are they going to grow out of this??? What can I try??? Will anything ever work??? And if you're not one of these mothers.... GOOD FOR YOU! To all the Mothers that have a moment of weakness or doubt in ourselves, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.... even if I am the only one willing to admit it.... I admit it!


Violet and Mommy
My suggestion would be, if you have an amazing daughter/son like my Violet... Think about this... What have you learned in the years of his/her life. Are you getting so wrapped up in what other people are suggesting, you could be forgetting what has worked for you in the past?

I have found with Violet, when she is really acting out, she is craving love. So now before I foresee a "spin out of control session," I give her a hug and hold her for a few minutes, make sure that she knows how much I LOVE her and she immediately calms down and is reasonable. If I forget the LOVE step, I have the chance of her going the complete opposite way, which is hard on her, me and anyone else around.

That's MY Nitty Gritty Truth,
Anne



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