It's WORKING!!! a true follow up on MY post, IN THIS MINUTE...
Oh man! I really think that I struck gold! It seems that what I finally figured out with Violet is WORKING.... The Blog I wrote that is called "In this Minute...." its showing to be true. I am so EXCITED!!! Here are 2 examples of MY reason to BELIEVE that I am on the RIGHT ROAD with MY SWEET VilyCakes. I put in that post that I forgot about her need of explanation "WHY" things are happening & I would often forget the "LOVE" step with her. Missing those 2 very important NEEDS for VIOLET, would cause her to freak out, causing a potential downward spiral that would elevate the level of her whole tantrum.
I have made an EFFORT to make sure that when a tantrum starts because, "She's not getting her way" that I don't leave out these 2 very important steps.
Here's MY Nitty Gritty Truth on Situations that CAN'T be AVOIDED, but CAN be HANDLED DIFFERENTLY!
Here are MY 2 situations that have occurred in the past 72 hours.
Thursday night, Violet and Preston had a great day. Violet had a good day at school and Preston was good for mommy through the day! I was so PROUD of their behavior that I decided to REWARD IT and tell them that they both earned a MOVIE night! A MOVIE night on a "school night", Violet says? Then she turns to Preston and says, "Preston, we must have been REALLY GOOD in order to earn this!" Preston's response..."OH COOOOLLLLL!" I then proceed to tell them, that we MUST have everything picked up and have everything ready to go, by 7:00pm. (You see, on a normal night, they are in bed by 7:30 and lights out by 8pm). So, I figured we could have a movie night starting at 7, this way Violet would be passed out by like 7:45ish. (Our little secret... please don't tell my kids my tricks.) Around 6:30, I am reminding them that everything has to be picked up etc... I am in the other room with my mom and the babies (as they were still not feeling well....) I am assuming that the "Big Kids" are getting everything picked up and they are getting ready for their BIG MOVIE NIGHT.... Oh man, was I sadly mistaken.
I give them the 5 minute warning and as I am speaking those words, I walk into the living room that they are cleaning up playing in. I see EVERY TOY out, our Ottoman is moved right next to the couch, they managed to slide their train table across the floor and move it closer to the room they were in, they moved a futon we have in the play room over to the living room area, they have every one of their blankets out and nicely laid out all over the room, they have all Violet's babies and all of Preston's stuffed animals everywhere.... I walked up and looked at them.... Right before I could mutter a single word out of my mouth, they look up at me and say, "Look Mom, it's our NEW BEDROOM!!!" I mean, it was thought out and strategically planned out by the BOTH of them. In a way I was proud of them, they worked as a TEAM and got this whole controlled chaos bedroom thing, to work. But, the other side of me was a little frustrated because I am working VERY HARD on my consistency with them. When I say something I MUST follow through...
I then decide to compromise with MYSELF, then with THEM. I tell them, how PROUD I am of them for accomplishing this together. I follow it with, Ok, now we need to work as a TEAM and get it all back to normal before the movie starts and we have a time limit too. BUT, I am willing to HELP! First response from BOTH of them NOOOOOO!!!! I mean what did I expect. They just worked really hard to get this "NEW BEDROOM" put together. I think to myself, stick to your guns Mommy, I say to them again, guys I'm sorry... but we really have to get this picked up. I know how hard you worked, so I will let the stuffed animals and baby dolls stay. They both responded again with a hard NOOOOOOO!!!! Alright, I say... Well here's the deal, it's not a choice. We NEED to get this picked up and now our clock is ticking. I am going to give US 5 minutes to work together to get this room back and in order. Needless to say, both of them to give me a hard NOOOO again but this time it followed with Sass and Talk Back...(I have a NO TOLERANCE RULE for Talking Back and/or DISRESPECT) So I HAD to do it! I HAD to tell them, sorry guys.... But now, BOTH of YOU have LOST your MOVIE privilege. Now they both start to SCREAM/CRY at the top of their lungs.... Telling me NOOOO! They will pick up, they will get it all together, just give us "ONE MORE CHANCE!" I tell them both NO and inform them, that they both must go to bed...etc...
At this point, the complete chaos has started. They are both screaming and crying trying to plead their case, so to try to calm the waters quickly Nani steps in and says, "If you pick everything up, you both can still watch your movie...." I hear this and immediately say, RESPECTFULLY OF COURSE... OH NO... NO WAY... There is NO Movie tonight and at this point, I could careless if the room was picked up of not, as they are just sitting there screaming anyway. (I see what she was trying to do. Sometimes its just EASIER to give in and say YES!) I understand that, but I feel like my world got turned upside down for a couple months, because of that reason. Because I chose to take the EASIER route. It's when you decide to take the HARD route... that's when the kids learn the RESPECT for what YOU SAY.
I now have both of them in their room, Violet is screaming, crying, talking back, etc.... The downward spiral is about to begin... **** LOVE STEP**** even though she was on her way down the wrong behavioral road, I chose to picked her up and HUGGED her nice and tight! I just held her while she was crying,*** EXPLANATION STEP**** I explained to her that it wasn't because I didn't want them to have the special privilege, but they lost it because of the way they chose to talk to me. No joke, within 30 seconds of me holding and hugging her, she calmed down. She then APOLOGIZED for being disrespectful and talking back to me, she also told me that she UNDERSTOOD WHY she lost her Movie Night! She then crawled into bed (as did Preston, because when Violet calmed down... so did he) & I then got to read them their bedtime stories. Time was still only 7:10pm. They were both in bed, bedtime stories were done by 7:30pm and they were both sleeping by 8pm. Once I left that room, I explained to my WONDERFUL Mother, that I just couldn't do it. I couldn't reward the disrespectful behavior. My mother knew, she knew that I made the right choice and I believe that she was proud of me for taking the HARDER route.
Moving on to Saturday night. Pretty much same scenario. Movie night reward etc... They chose to disobey and lost the privilege. Violet had the same behavior and was in her room screaming and crying etc. I went in and picked her up and hugged her as I explained WHY this was happening. She realized the behavior, calmed down within 30 seconds and after I put her down, she climbed into bed and was PERFECT!
I feel so HAPPY right now! I feel like I FINALLY identified my daughters LOVE LANGUAGES and it FEELS so amazing to be able to DIFFUSE the situation, show love and still demand respect! Whenever I see her spin out of control, it always makes me feel horrible!!! Therefore, I am so excited that today.... THIS IS WORKING!!!
I would suggest if you have a constant battle with your little one, try something NEW. I HIGHLY recommend CONSISTENCY and when you say something... FOLLOW THROUGH! Even if that means having to respectfully trump your own Mama. I would also recommend looking up the book, The five Love Languages of Children. I used that book to help me identify some of the needs of my children. Its worth a look. What has taken me more than 5 years to identify is now so APPARENT to me. There was defiantly a Power Struggle, but I was WRONG to think that the struggle was because she was just trying to WIN. The power struggle wasn't because Violet was trying to WIN every situation, it was because she was MISSING something from me. Try to look outside the box. Try a different approach, your kiddo could be missing a little something too....
That's MY Nitty Gritty Truth,
Anne
I have made an EFFORT to make sure that when a tantrum starts because, "She's not getting her way" that I don't leave out these 2 very important steps.
December 2010 - Mommy & My Vily Girl <3
Here's MY Nitty Gritty Truth on Situations that CAN'T be AVOIDED, but CAN be HANDLED DIFFERENTLY!
Here are MY 2 situations that have occurred in the past 72 hours.
Thursday night, Violet and Preston had a great day. Violet had a good day at school and Preston was good for mommy through the day! I was so PROUD of their behavior that I decided to REWARD IT and tell them that they both earned a MOVIE night! A MOVIE night on a "school night", Violet says? Then she turns to Preston and says, "Preston, we must have been REALLY GOOD in order to earn this!" Preston's response..."OH COOOOLLLLL!" I then proceed to tell them, that we MUST have everything picked up and have everything ready to go, by 7:00pm. (You see, on a normal night, they are in bed by 7:30 and lights out by 8pm). So, I figured we could have a movie night starting at 7, this way Violet would be passed out by like 7:45ish. (Our little secret... please don't tell my kids my tricks.) Around 6:30, I am reminding them that everything has to be picked up etc... I am in the other room with my mom and the babies (as they were still not feeling well....) I am assuming that the "Big Kids" are getting everything picked up and they are getting ready for their BIG MOVIE NIGHT.... Oh man, was I sadly mistaken.
Buckey Man 2012'
LOVE - My babies 2010'
Nani, Violet, Juliana & Parker
At this point, the complete chaos has started. They are both screaming and crying trying to plead their case, so to try to calm the waters quickly Nani steps in and says, "If you pick everything up, you both can still watch your movie...." I hear this and immediately say, RESPECTFULLY OF COURSE... OH NO... NO WAY... There is NO Movie tonight and at this point, I could careless if the room was picked up of not, as they are just sitting there screaming anyway. (I see what she was trying to do. Sometimes its just EASIER to give in and say YES!) I understand that, but I feel like my world got turned upside down for a couple months, because of that reason. Because I chose to take the EASIER route. It's when you decide to take the HARD route... that's when the kids learn the RESPECT for what YOU SAY.
I now have both of them in their room, Violet is screaming, crying, talking back, etc.... The downward spiral is about to begin... **** LOVE STEP**** even though she was on her way down the wrong behavioral road, I chose to picked her up and HUGGED her nice and tight! I just held her while she was crying,*** EXPLANATION STEP**** I explained to her that it wasn't because I didn't want them to have the special privilege, but they lost it because of the way they chose to talk to me. No joke, within 30 seconds of me holding and hugging her, she calmed down. She then APOLOGIZED for being disrespectful and talking back to me, she also told me that she UNDERSTOOD WHY she lost her Movie Night! She then crawled into bed (as did Preston, because when Violet calmed down... so did he) & I then got to read them their bedtime stories. Time was still only 7:10pm. They were both in bed, bedtime stories were done by 7:30pm and they were both sleeping by 8pm. Once I left that room, I explained to my WONDERFUL Mother, that I just couldn't do it. I couldn't reward the disrespectful behavior. My mother knew, she knew that I made the right choice and I believe that she was proud of me for taking the HARDER route.
Moving on to Saturday night. Pretty much same scenario. Movie night reward etc... They chose to disobey and lost the privilege. Violet had the same behavior and was in her room screaming and crying etc. I went in and picked her up and hugged her as I explained WHY this was happening. She realized the behavior, calmed down within 30 seconds and after I put her down, she climbed into bed and was PERFECT!
I feel so HAPPY right now! I feel like I FINALLY identified my daughters LOVE LANGUAGES and it FEELS so amazing to be able to DIFFUSE the situation, show love and still demand respect! Whenever I see her spin out of control, it always makes me feel horrible!!! Therefore, I am so excited that today.... THIS IS WORKING!!!
Lovin on MY VilyCakes 2010'
I would suggest if you have a constant battle with your little one, try something NEW. I HIGHLY recommend CONSISTENCY and when you say something... FOLLOW THROUGH! Even if that means having to respectfully trump your own Mama. I would also recommend looking up the book, The five Love Languages of Children. I used that book to help me identify some of the needs of my children. Its worth a look. What has taken me more than 5 years to identify is now so APPARENT to me. There was defiantly a Power Struggle, but I was WRONG to think that the struggle was because she was just trying to WIN. The power struggle wasn't because Violet was trying to WIN every situation, it was because she was MISSING something from me. Try to look outside the box. Try a different approach, your kiddo could be missing a little something too....
That's MY Nitty Gritty Truth,
Anne
Thanks for sharing!!! I'm going to make sure I'm using those two steps with my sweet 5 year old when she is having her moments!
ReplyDeleteAwesome! I can't wait to hear about how it turns out for you. We are having such good success with it. Everyday seems to get easier, now that I have started this :)
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